


to make sure you are next to me and alive

by randomtuna13 (belindarimbi13)



Series: i'm taking notes : a drabble collection [7]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Episode: s12e23 All Along the Watchtower, sorta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2017-06-11
Packaged: 2018-11-12 19:02:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11168118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/belindarimbi13/pseuds/randomtuna13
Summary: dean has to make sure that cas is alive.





	to make sure you are next to me and alive

**Author's Note:**

> **disclaimer:**
> 
>   * Supernatural dan semua karakter di dalamnya merupakan milik Eric Kripke dan CW Studio.
>   * Semua cerita ini ditulis untuk kesenangan pribadi, tanpa ada maksud untuk memperoleh keuntungan finansial apapun.
> 


 

 

He will accidentally touch his knees, or his hands, or any part of Castiel's body to make sure that he is real. That he's here with him.

Dean … can not stop himself. He is scared to death, the second he thought Castiel was gone. He can not bear any hallucinations of his Angel alive if it weren't real. So, Dean has to make sure, every millisecond.

Cas is here, he says as he bumps Castiel's knees.

Cas is alive, he says as he casually lingers his hand when giving Castiel his coffee.

Cas is … real, he says as he touches Castiel's face.

The thought of losing Castiel seems so surreal. Dean can not and will not bear it anymore. Because this world does not only need him and Sam and The Winchesters, it also needs Castiel.

Sam is nothing without Dean.

And Dean … literally will not be here if it isn't on Castiel.

Castiel who rebelled; was hunted, tortured, and killed; was fallen … not only for humanity, but for a very specific human being. Because, really, has it ever been different cause?

Castiel has been resurrected again and again, he's been through a lot, more than no one else ever. What if this time he doesn't come back?

That thought killed Dean every single time, because Castiel doesn't care. As long as to keep Dean safe, Castiel will do anything.

 

And whether clueless or simply stupid bastard his Angel is, Dean wants to scream how much Castiel is deserved to be saved as well. To yell that self-sacrificing is no longer allowed. When will Castiel be aware of this?

"Maybe, never, Dean." Castiel hums softly as placing his own hands on the hunter face. "I am still developing an understanding on human feeling which may not has a good progress since my role-model is you."

Dean sometimes forgets that he is so naïve to think that he can bottle up his feelings, now that he'd been pushed to his very limit.

"I–I can not bear to have knowledge that I couldn't save you. The Mark of Cain … perhaps is my biggest failure to keep you safe, Dean." Castiel sighs quietly. "I can not let it happen again."

Dean captures his Angel's face. Blazing green meets icing blue. "And how about me? Do you think I'm okay with you being dead? Do you think I'll be just fine, knowing that we can not save each other's asses? Do you think– do you _know_ how hard for me Cas, to live with knowledge that you're dead? I had fucking nightmares, I was dysfunctional mess. Even, not knowing how you were … dammit Cas, I hallucinated every fucking time, when I thought I left you in Purgatory! Do you think I'm _ever okay_ with you being not alive?" Dean rubs his finger against Castiel's jaw. "No, it's not. I'm never okay. I'm as afraid as you. You can't lose me and I can't lose you. It works the both ways, Cas."

Castiel leans on Dean's touch. He whispers. "Dean, I do not d–"

Dean lets out bitter chuckle. "You and me both think so, buddy."

Castiel closes his eyes, maybe trying to figure how it is possible for Dean to care _that_ much. Which is stupid, and Dean knows it even though Castiel doesn't say anything.

 

"We should stop doing it." Dean chuckles. "We are no longer allowed to die on each other, ever. We'll try our best to keep alive and grow old and get stroke or some age-defecting illness. Then, we'll eventually die. But before it happens, we keep living, as it popularly says, 'til death, the real death, do us apart."

Castiel opens his eyes. "You killed Death."

Dean lets out a soft laugh. "Yeah, that's the main reason we can not die on each other. No death between us anymore, Cas."

Castiel smiles. That special smile which Dean is dying to see every single day.

Castiel is alive, Castiel is real.

Castiel is here, Castiel smiles.

That is all Dean needs.

 

"It's reciprocated." Dean says. "And I'm glad I don't say it on my deathbed."

Castiel tilts his head. "What do you mean?"

Dean smiles. "I love you too." He says, as he seals their lips together. It's real. It's alive.

 

It's enough for now.

 

**Fin.**

**Author's Note:**

> { modified canon, vaguely set after 12x23 }


End file.
